Tuesday, February 26, 2013

And Time Continues to Speed By Despite It All

A tiny piece of back story.  My fiance proposed to me in September of 2011.  After knowing him for a mere 6 months I agreed without hesitation.  Since that time we've been blessed with a daughter, our very first child.  She is one gorgeous baby and the light of our lives.  She is now 9 months old and it just so happens the gods saw fit to bless us with another child who is due May 4th of this year.  That's right, I am now 7 months pregnant with our second child who also happens to be a little girl. 

All this time I've been attempting to plan our handfasting and our legal wedding ceremony as well.  It's a difficult task to say the least.  Raising our daughter, taking care of regular day to day tasks and having to deal with doctor appointments up the wazoo for my little family and my mother and sister, as I've stated before they are both disabled and I am the only one in our home who drives. 

My fiance has severe ADHD.  I mean SEVERE.  It's difficult for him to stay on task for more than 10 minutes at a time despite his medication. 

This brings me to my little post about what's been bothering me lately.  With our hand fasting date approaching rapidly I've been getting into the planning mode a bit more and it's been a daunting task to take on alone.  Decorations, location, guest list, invitations, etc. etc. 

My fiance wants to be a part of all of it but trying to keep his attention on the topic to decide what kind of centerpieces we want, what we want included in the ceremony of our hand fasting and even the guest list is becoming difficult and annoying to say the least.  I get his attention for a few moments to decide on one thing and then it's off to another task for him despite the fact that I have many more questions about details that need to be hammered out. 

My usual routine after such an episode is to go back to something I haven't quite figured out yet and try to narrow it down a simple multiple choice question for him so that when I can capture his attention again it won't take long for him to decide before he loses interest and can no longer focus. 

I know it isn't his fault but I can't help it when I get the smallest bit angry with him because I want to get something done and it just SEEMS like he isn't taking any or enough interest in OUR hand fasting to want to get it done. 

It's hard for me to remind myself that this is who he is, I have to accept it as part of him and learn to cope with it.  Most of the time I have no issues doing so but there are days where I'm so frustrated from trying to find his attention all day long to get one thing done on my mile long list of hand fasting details that I explode with anger and lash out at him. This is of course is not fair to him. 

Adding to the difficulty of not lashing out at him like that, I'm bipolar.  So lashing out in an explosion of anger is far too easy for me.  I have severe bipolar disorder, I take my medication daily but I still flip from mood to mood really easily and several times a day. 

All of this together makes for a difficult existence together for us but somehow we manage.  Especially when it comes to our child, soon to be children.  Now matter how angry we may be at each other or how difficult things may be going, when our daughter needs us we drop our argument or whatever it may be that is causing distress between us and tend to her every need or want. 

It's all a part of married life, all a part of sharing your every moment of living with another human being of your choosing and learning to cope with the little things they do that irritate you, their little quirks. 

I see it like this, if their little annoying quirks outweigh the great and wonderful moments and experiences you share with them then that person isn't for you.  If the opposite is true and you catch yourself smiling and shaking your head when you have to clean hair out of the sink for the umpteenth time or something equally as annoying but still makes your heart melt because it's the person you love who has done this then that person is definitely for you. 

All of this goes on every day, time speeds by and our handfasting inches closer yet with each passing day.  And even though we've had our spats and even our big arguments I find myself looking back and thinking how boring and mundane and even lonely my life would be without him by my side.  I have taken the time to sit back and look from afar at the situation I'm in and wondered if this is really what I want in my life and you know what?  It is.  It really is. 

I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.  Without my daughter and my new daughter in it.  Without all of this going on in my life I would be so alone and just as it did before I met this wonderful man of mine life would drag by in an endlessly mundane fashion with friends and family unable to fill the void in my life that he has filled. 

Time just keeps speeding by and I'm not letting it do so without enjoying every moment I can with my little family. 

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