Tuesday, February 26, 2013

And Time Continues to Speed By Despite It All

A tiny piece of back story.  My fiance proposed to me in September of 2011.  After knowing him for a mere 6 months I agreed without hesitation.  Since that time we've been blessed with a daughter, our very first child.  She is one gorgeous baby and the light of our lives.  She is now 9 months old and it just so happens the gods saw fit to bless us with another child who is due May 4th of this year.  That's right, I am now 7 months pregnant with our second child who also happens to be a little girl. 

All this time I've been attempting to plan our handfasting and our legal wedding ceremony as well.  It's a difficult task to say the least.  Raising our daughter, taking care of regular day to day tasks and having to deal with doctor appointments up the wazoo for my little family and my mother and sister, as I've stated before they are both disabled and I am the only one in our home who drives. 

My fiance has severe ADHD.  I mean SEVERE.  It's difficult for him to stay on task for more than 10 minutes at a time despite his medication. 

This brings me to my little post about what's been bothering me lately.  With our hand fasting date approaching rapidly I've been getting into the planning mode a bit more and it's been a daunting task to take on alone.  Decorations, location, guest list, invitations, etc. etc. 

My fiance wants to be a part of all of it but trying to keep his attention on the topic to decide what kind of centerpieces we want, what we want included in the ceremony of our hand fasting and even the guest list is becoming difficult and annoying to say the least.  I get his attention for a few moments to decide on one thing and then it's off to another task for him despite the fact that I have many more questions about details that need to be hammered out. 

My usual routine after such an episode is to go back to something I haven't quite figured out yet and try to narrow it down a simple multiple choice question for him so that when I can capture his attention again it won't take long for him to decide before he loses interest and can no longer focus. 

I know it isn't his fault but I can't help it when I get the smallest bit angry with him because I want to get something done and it just SEEMS like he isn't taking any or enough interest in OUR hand fasting to want to get it done. 

It's hard for me to remind myself that this is who he is, I have to accept it as part of him and learn to cope with it.  Most of the time I have no issues doing so but there are days where I'm so frustrated from trying to find his attention all day long to get one thing done on my mile long list of hand fasting details that I explode with anger and lash out at him. This is of course is not fair to him. 

Adding to the difficulty of not lashing out at him like that, I'm bipolar.  So lashing out in an explosion of anger is far too easy for me.  I have severe bipolar disorder, I take my medication daily but I still flip from mood to mood really easily and several times a day. 

All of this together makes for a difficult existence together for us but somehow we manage.  Especially when it comes to our child, soon to be children.  Now matter how angry we may be at each other or how difficult things may be going, when our daughter needs us we drop our argument or whatever it may be that is causing distress between us and tend to her every need or want. 

It's all a part of married life, all a part of sharing your every moment of living with another human being of your choosing and learning to cope with the little things they do that irritate you, their little quirks. 

I see it like this, if their little annoying quirks outweigh the great and wonderful moments and experiences you share with them then that person isn't for you.  If the opposite is true and you catch yourself smiling and shaking your head when you have to clean hair out of the sink for the umpteenth time or something equally as annoying but still makes your heart melt because it's the person you love who has done this then that person is definitely for you. 

All of this goes on every day, time speeds by and our handfasting inches closer yet with each passing day.  And even though we've had our spats and even our big arguments I find myself looking back and thinking how boring and mundane and even lonely my life would be without him by my side.  I have taken the time to sit back and look from afar at the situation I'm in and wondered if this is really what I want in my life and you know what?  It is.  It really is. 

I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.  Without my daughter and my new daughter in it.  Without all of this going on in my life I would be so alone and just as it did before I met this wonderful man of mine life would drag by in an endlessly mundane fashion with friends and family unable to fill the void in my life that he has filled. 

Time just keeps speeding by and I'm not letting it do so without enjoying every moment I can with my little family. 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

To Clean or Not To Clean...

Dish duty...everyone in my house hates dish duty.   And no, we are not lucky enough to own a mechanical dishwasher.  And no, there is no room in my tiny Barbie kitchen to have one installed.  I call it a Barbie kitchen because just like the Barbie dream houses my kitchen only has one wall of installed cabinets.

I hate dishes for a few reasons.  First off, no one besides myself and my fiance rinse their damn dishes.  We're all adults, I don't know why this can't happen.

Secondly, my sister refuses to wash ANY dishes besides those she has dirtied while eating.  Yes, that means even if she dirtied a pot or pan or dish to microwave/cook anything she will not wash it.  She's considered high functioning autistic and I think that's part of why she does and says some of the things she does but that is still no excuse for her to not be cleaning up after herself entirely. 

Thirdly, my mother and I try to keep up on dishes as often as possible but her hands don't work very well from 25 years of working behind a desk typing as a medical transcriptionist and suffering from severe carpal tunnel in both wrists.  This has made it so she has very little feeling and very little grip strength left in either of her hands and there are some days she drops things more often than not and washing dishes makes her hands hurt something fierce. 

I, myself, can only stand at the kitchen sink for a few minutes to wash up dishes because my big ole pregnant belly bumps up against the sink counter numerous times and it becomes quite uncomfortable and even painful some days.

Which leaves my fiance, who has repeatedly told me that he is no kitchen slave, to wash up dishes and he doesn't flat out refuse to do dishes but he hates having to clean up after my mother and sister because, as I said before, we're all adults in this house and there's no reason why we can't all do our own dishes and share in the responsibility of pots and pans and dishes used to make meals.

 Alas, this does not happen.  So some days the sink is full of dirty dishes and other days my mother or I will get to them and there will be no more but I just wish that my fiance and sister would buck up and be adults and just wash the damn dishes REGARDLESS of who they belonged to or who used them and did not rinse them. 

It's just so irritating.  So very, very irritating.  Both are ADHD with slight hints of or full blown autism and I can't seem to wrap my head around their constant battle to lay blame because of some unfinished chore instead of just doing it and getting it over with. 

Just one of those little things again, I guess.  Sigh. 

Friday, February 8, 2013


Sleep.  We all need it, we all love it, we all go without it sometimes or often, in my case.  And lately I've been wondering if anyone else gets jealous of their dear husband or significant others ability to sleep without hassle. 

Maybe it's just me. 

Maybe it isn't. 

It's a real question for me that has been running through my mind lately, especially for the last 2 hours...my husband is currently sleeping soundly next to me even though he is supposed to be the one who takes night shift.  *le sigh*

And then there are the mornings.  I get up with our daughter after only four or five hours of sleep and take care of her all morning while he gets the rest he didn't get during the night shift.  Only problem with our little arrangement is now I'm six months pregnant and I need more help from him in the mornings.  Our daughter is getting too heavy for me to lift and getting her out of her bed is difficult for me with my stomach being so big and it literally hurts to bend over it and pick her up.

Now he complains about not getting enough sleep and me not holding up my end of our agreement to day and night shifts.

Well, SORRY!  I didn't get pregnant all alone you know!  I had help!  LOL

It's just one of those little things, you know.  I'm pregnant and need more help, be a little more understanding and deal with the sleep deprivation.  It's all part of being a parent.  In my opinion most of the men I've met are just sissies when it comes to not getting enough sleep but us women are just supposed to be able to do it with no problems or hassles or anything else like that.  We're supposed to just suck it up and get it done.

He's in for a rude awakening if he thinks I'm going to be the only one getting up with both girls at night to make sure they have their bottle or bobo or whatever they may need and still be a functioning, happy adult in the mornings.  LOL  Not gonna happen.