Wednesday, January 22, 2014

When A Side Effect Is More Than Just A Side Effect

I'm bipolar, we all know this.  It is extremely hard for me to control my mood swings and my temper because of this. So my hubs and I sometimes get into wicked arguments about things that are just pointless to argue about. 

This morning was a huge for instance of this.  A fight over a dish.  Yep, that's right.  A dish that I put in the sink and it clanked against another dish making a loud noise so my hubs assumed I threw it in the sink out of anger.

Yes, I was angry but not so much that I threw said dish. 

Well, one misunderstanding turned into another and I started yelling because he started yelling which woke up my mother and she got pissed and it all got out of hand. 

All, over a dish. 

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to not be able to control your emotions?

You just swing into a mood and there is almost nothing you can do about it but ride it out and wait for your sanity to come back.  

It makes you hate yourself, makes you think it's always your fault that you're arguing with the one you love with every fiber of your being.  It hurts deep down, deep in your soul. 

And the reason I titled this post the way I did is because one of the side effects of my bipolar medication is irritability and lack of ability to control your anger outbursts.

Effin wonderful, right?  Either I am beyond insane from mood swings or I'm irritable and there's nothing I can do about it.  

So when is a side effect more than just a side effect? 

When it starts to interfere with your personal relationships, is what I say. 

So tomorrow I'm making an appointment with my psychiatrist and we're going to figure this shit out because I can't continue to hurt the ones I love like this.  Not anymore. 

There has to be something he can do, if not, I'm totally screwed. 

Wish me luck.

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