Sunday, September 15, 2013

Trouble In Paradise

Do you and your SO ever argue?  If you don't, I'm not sure if you should be congratulated or shown the error of your deluded ways.  LOL

Either way, it's no fun to argue with the person you have such strong, passionate feelings for.  A love like the one I feel for my new husband is hard to control sometimes but somehow I manage, unfortunately, I don't always manage to do so well. 

As I'm sure you all know by now, I am bipolar, a medicated bipolar but bipolar nevertheless.  And yes, the drugs help with the symptoms of my chemical imbalance but they don't completely mask them.  I guess you could say that I suffer from the symptoms.  Suffer is such a strong word, though.  I'm not really suffering, it's just who I am as a person.  There's nothing I can do about who I am, it's just the way my mind and body work.  

Well, with all that, my husband is bipolar, as well.  Combined together the two of us have such passion for not only each other but for life in general that we often are colliding heads and an explosion of anger and rage bursts through and we go off at each other like rockets. 

Lately, we had been arguing constantly, sometimes all day long and it was becoming tiresome both emotionally and mentally.  It's hard to fight with someone you love so very much, so much in fact that you would gladly give up your own life to save theirs, you would give them all of the blood in your body if that would make them happy.  

It's difficult, terrifying sometimes even, when you feel all that rage building up inside and you know you're ready to explode and you know, deep down, you know that the words that are going to come out of your mouth are not only going to be mean and hurtful but they are going to cause emotional pain to your loved one and with me being bipolar, there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

Now I'm not saying all bipolar people have difficulties when it comes to controlling their emotional outbursts but I know that I have those troubles.  I have very little filter between my mouth and my mind and when I feel all that hate and anger built up to beyond my tolerance line I know for a fact that I will lose all filter capabilities and I'm going to say something hurtful that I don't mean. 

So to avoid these situations my husband and I decided to start making a conscious effort to not argue.   And boy, is it easier said than done.  However, I think it's working. 

We got into a little heated argument today, little by comparison to our normal arguments which are epic, and only an hour after having it we both apologized to each other for arguing about something so ridiculous and actually sat down and talked things out. 

I can only hope that he will continue to do this just as I will and that we'll be able to get over this arguing rut we seem to have gotten ourselves into. 

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