I have had two children, they are 11 months apart, ages 15 months and 4 months and they and my husband are the lights of my life. I've grown so much in the past 2 years, learned so many things, gained so much patience (and gray hairs) and I've lost so much of my old self, as well. Some days I miss the old me and other days I remember that I'm a mom now. A mom!! So at the end of the day, it's not so bad to lose a little bit of my old self to gain this new self.
With my first daughter I went through 36 hours of labor, 24 of those hours were spent at home, 10 of those hours were spent in hospital attached to many wires and monitors and tubes and hooked up to a wonderful IV called an epidural, and those last two hours were spent in the same hospital bed, pushing my beautiful baby girl out of my body and into this wondrous world.
My second daughter had to be induced. It wasn't planned at all but it needed to happen because her heart rate was being very wonky at the last checkup I had, which was actually only a few hours before I went in to be induced. I was in labor with her, even with induction, for 29 hours and only spent 3 minutes pushing yet another beautiful baby girl out my body and into this slightly less wondrous world (sense the sarcasm?).
Through both of those experiences and all those hours I learned one thing...during labor and delivery you are completely and totally alone in that experience.
Let me explain, yes, your family and loved ones are there and yes, you have nurse upon nurse upon doctor upon specialist looking after you and coming in and out constantly but for those hours that you are in labor experiencing, at some points even through the epidural, some of the most excruciating pain you'll ever have to deal with in your life you are completely and utterly alone no matter how many people are in that room. Because no one can experience that pain with you, no one can share it with you or take some of it from you, no one can feel all that anxiety you're going through, all that stress you're being put through, the stress your body is being put through, no one can feel that for you. No one else in the entire world can know exactly how you're feeling because every woman is different, every pregnancy is different and every birth is different.
Lying there covered in medical equipment and listening to your baby's heartbeat for hours on end makes you reflect on so many things, most likely the past nine months are what is going through your mind, and then all you can do after you've done that reflecting is picture the future and worry about all the new things you have to do and are expected to accomplish.
Either way, it's a painfully lonely experience. Don't get me wrong. I greatly appreciated having all of my friends and family there for the births of both my girls but there wasn't much more they could do besides stroke my head and talk me through the contractions and just be there for me.
It's not a sad kind of loneliness, it's just a loneliness, a knowing that no one here with you can help you feel this, can help you go through this, can take any of it away for you. No one can and few would, some are so afraid of the experience they need medication to calm down.
My point to all of this is that no matter how many children you've birthed and no matter how many births you've been to or seen or encountered, whatever, they're all different and each one of those women went through that experience in a different way. You can compare notes and find a few similarities but in the end, they are different and I think that's how it's supposed to be.
I think nature made it that way so you can develop a better bond with your child. And let me tell you this, you will never come across a more glorious experience than finally being able to hold that little baby who has been in your belly for nine long months.
I don't think anything will ever compare to those two precious moments for me and I'm more than okay with that. Thinking back to them causes so much love and pride to wash over me that I doubt the feelings will ever lessen over time. I think, if anything, they'll increase as I watch my girls grow and learn and change into beautiful young ladies but they'll always be those precious little babies to me.
Enough mushy gushy stuff for one post. It's just something I needed to share with everyone.
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