Sunday, January 11, 2015

What I Mean When I Say "I Hurt"

I don't think most people say "I hurt" as often as I say it.  And, to be honest, I don't think when most people say "I hurt" they mean the same thing I mean when I say "I hurt".

When I say "I hurt", I mean it.  I mean it with every fiber of my being.  Every atom that makes up my body is telling me it is in pain and I express that through two words, "I hurt".

When I say that I hurt, it means more than just, my body aches a little here and there from doing this that or the other.  It means my body is screaming out in waves of electric energy running up and down my nerve paths all day long, sending pulsing messages of pain throughout my body.  I have days where I literally hurt from head to toe. 

Fibromyalgia...that's what I have been diagnosed as having, is what causes this nonstop throbbing, aching, deep, agonizing pain. 

I can't stand it some days...can't stand the pain, the throbbing, the aching, the deeply bruised feeling in all of my muscles and joints.  My trigger points feel like they're on fire, my neck and shoulders are tight and very, very sore.

I have friends who wonder how I do it, how I push through the pain that I'm constantly complaining about and still go on with life.  I have some friends who have aches, pains, soreness and stiffness from everyday work, everyday life and they take some Ibuprofen or Tylenol and BAM!  They're fine 30 minutes later when the pills start to work.

I have a secret hate for those friends and very often find myself cursing them silently under my breath because I can take a 20 mg oxycodone and still not find relief from some of my pains.  I can take the Ibuprofen and Tylenol and Aleve and Aspirin and not feel any difference in my pain level.

I'm jealous, that's what it all boils down to.  I'm jealous that most of my friends my age can do pretty much whatever they want physically and not notice it the next day...I'll end up hurting that day and the day after that and the day after that and this goes on for a few days depending on the weather and what my own physical activity level is for the few days I need to recuperate.

How do I do it?  How do I keep going every day?  How do I push through the pain and keep going on with life?

I ask myself those same questions some days, on the bad days.   I ask myself those questions a lot on the bad days and find myself repeating my motherly mantra several times.

"You MUST get up and be a responsible adult".  That is my "Bad Day" mantra to myself when I'm lying on the bed and the girls are crying and in need of tending and I need to push past my pain and just push myself up off the bed, take a deep breathe and move.

Hah! know how much I hate moving on bad days?  OMG!  I hate myself on those days!  They are frustrating!  SO FRUSTRATING!  I want to move, I want to get up and be a proper parent, I want to do these things and so much more!  

But on the bad days...I get nothing done but what is absolutely necessary from me for me and my daughters to survive.

Why is that?

I'll answer you honestly...because I'm human.  I falter.  My mental resolve sometimes fails and I just lay there and cry in pain and shame.

Fibromyalgia is a real bitch of a disease to have.  No one can see it.  No one knows you have it.  Why?  Because they can't SEE IT! 

They can only see the end results of the symptoms you suffer from daily.  The mental and physical exhaustion, the daily aches and pains, the constant stiff and soreness.  Very often the depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, sleep disorder and other mental health problems are playing off the fibromyalgia causing your day to feel absolutely FUCKED UP! 

You hurt, you hurt beyond words.  You can't describe how deep the bruised aching feeling goes.  And you're constantly stiff and sore in the joints.  My legs hurt for days when we had a cold snap for about a week.

I kid you not, it felt like and elephant had sat on me from the pelvis down for the entire time I legs hurt that bad.  I could barely walk.  NOTHING was taking away that pain.

It's been a few days of warmer weather now and guess what?! 


Wow! It's a miracle!  (Says the more flighty and artistic side of my brain...the more whimsical and eccentric side). 

No it's fucking not (says the other half of my brain....the more rational and reasoning side of my brain), it's fucking fibromyalgia (that half of my brain has a very foul mouth).

We fucking know that you ASS!  We were being fucking funny!  Apparently, someone can't read sarcasm!  Do we need a gotdayum sign?!  (I guess both halves of my brain are foul mouthed.  That explains a lot). 

So I talk to myself...

Who doesn't?


Anyway, I started Lyrica.  I'm hoping it will relieve some of this constant pain I have every damn day. I can't stand it some days.  I really can't stand it!  I can't get away from the pain and then, when you can't find any kind of relief or any kind of escape through your usual coping methods...all that's left is to fall apart for a little while. 

Just for a couple of minutes, let yourself cry.  Let yourself dwell in it.  Let yourself feel that pain and be it, for a little while. 

Just a little while though.  Not too long.  Don't stay there.


Because, you MUST get up and be a responsible adult.

Stupid fibromyalgia.  

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